Marriage Standoff


SFX: High Noon

NARRATOR:   A lot of marriages are like an old Western standoff.    The wife on one side and the husband on the other.   Instead of six shooters, they have calculators.   Ready, Set, Draw!  The husband reaches into his holster and says…

COWBOY:  Did you notice that I did the dishes this morning before work?

COWGIRL: Did you know that’s the first time you’ve done them in six weeks.  I do them twice a day.

COWBOY:  Speaking of six weeks…

COWGIRL: It’s only been three weeks…  since I went with you to that insufferable dinner party at your boss’s house.

COWBOY:  I wasn’t talking about that, but speaking of insufferable dinners: I’ve eaten your egg-white soufflé four times this month.

COWGIRL:  And you’ll keep eating it until you take me out to a nice, romantic dinner. It’s been 43 days since we dined out.

COWBOY:   You’re counting the days?  And we spent $39 dollars at Al’s Wing Shack just last night.  By the way, 43 days is about six weeks, right?

COWGIRL:  Al’s Wing Shack DOES NOT COUNT as a nice place to eat.  Plus, you played Electronic Texas Hold ‘Em the whole time when you should have been talking to me.

COWBOY:   I talked to you for 3 ½ minutes before I started playing, doesn’t that count for something?

COWGIRL:  And I gave you a kiss this morning before you left.

COWBOY:  A cold peck on the cheek doesn’t count, especially since it was coupled with a list of seven errands to run, while you stay home all day.  I get three of them done and you still complained when I got home late.

COWGIRL: If I don’t give you a list, you won’t do anything.  The faucet in the kitchen has been leaking for two years.

COWBOY:  You know how to dial a phone and call a plumber, don’t you?

COWGIRL: Last time I did call for help, you griped that I got duped and spent too much money…

COWBOY:  $620 bucks for a new doorknob is ridiculous.

COWGIRL:  No more ridiculous than the 1900 dollars you spent on your state-of-the-art Bowflex machine that quickly became the family coat rack.  We could’ve used that money to buy a new mattress.

COWBOY:   Mattress?!!  We don’t need no stinkin’ mattress!

COWGIRL:  Well, you got that right.  If you thought six weeks was a long time, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

COWBOY:  Then Missy, I guess this marriage ain’t big enough for the both of us.